I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
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No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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