i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
