Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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