I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
