I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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