Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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