Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
