Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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