I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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