just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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