I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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