mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
