Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
