she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
