What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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