did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
