I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
