my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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