i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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