You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
