Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
