he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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