so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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