got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize