Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize