Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
