I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
