the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
