you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is this like a preordered booty call?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
