I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
