$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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