she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
