I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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