Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
