you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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