I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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