I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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