I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
