He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
