When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
