I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
