Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
When are your genitals available?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
