She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
