Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
