There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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