they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
