paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there's paper in my vomit.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
