I have demons in me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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