Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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