It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We were destined to go to rehab together
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
