dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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