Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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