The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
